Disclaimer: This post does not mean that I am not still pursuing Peace Corps. It is simply a place for me to process through the roller coaster of emotions I have been dealing with lately.
I am logical to a fault...sometimes for the best, sometimes not. In this case I think it will only help. I am not likely to make a ridiculous decision simply because I am experiencing a slue of emotions.
I received medical clearance about 4 weeks ago and was contacted by placement 3 weeks ago asking for an updated resume and was told I would be contacted (most likely in 3-5 weeks). For the first week I was super stoked, dealing with a ton of RAS, and obsessively checking my e-mail, phone, and mailbox. And then something happened...not sure what but I started to have this rush of emotions every time my phone rings, I receive an email, or I check my mailbox.
Some days its a "oooo what if the letter is here, this is so exciting" kind of emotions.
Other days it is a "fuck I really don't want to go...what if I got a letter" kind of emotion.
And others it is a "gah what if PC decided they don't want me" sort of feeling.
And most of the time I can't truly tell which I am feeling.
I deal really well with transition...I do not deal well with the months leading up to transition and this is no exception. As a result of this roller coaster I have taken some time to begin to process why I am feeling this way.
I think that ultimately at the root of it is my profound fear of rejection...it is easier to decide I don't want to do something than it is to hear that I can not. This is bullcrap...and I refuse to let myself talk myself out of something because I am afraid that I wont get an offer. This is probably inter mixed with just generally a fear of the unknown, of leaving my friends, my cats, my family...I find a million things that I think I will miss in the next two years...but the reality is that I should not talk myself out of experiences simply because of other experiences that are simply more known to me.
The hardest to process through has been in relation to my general feelings related to my coming out process and sexual orientation. I have really been grappling with what it will be like to serve for 2.5 years and effectively have to return to living in the closet. This in and of itself is not my fear...my fear is not having anyone else to process these feelings with while I am abroad. I do not know how reliably I will be able to stay in contact with my family or my queer support network of friends in the states. I do not know if there will be other queer volunteers in the country with me...or even if there are that they will be posted near me.
Throw on top of this that I have the most awesome group of friends I have ever had (and yes I know they will be here when I get back...but will it be the same?). And I have found myself having feelings for someone it becomes just one huge hodge podge of emotion and questioning.
Thats enough for now...next post will talk about why I am still super excited about Peace Corps and negotiating my conflicting emotions.
Hello, I found your blog via Peace Corps wiki. I was a volunteer in Niger for six months before I was evacuated because of security and now at home waiting to be re-enrolled. It's OK to have conflicting feelings about Peace Corps because it is a big commitment. Know that everyone who is applying feels the same way that you do and, if you do end up going, you will be amazed at how similar you are to the other volunteers. However, make sure to pay attention to those feelings. One girl I was with ignored them, came to Niger and hated it. Just listen to your heart and know that this is an amazing experience and you family and friends will support you no matter where you are.
ReplyDeleteI'm also going to have to go back in the closet during my service. It's going to be damn hard, but I figure it will be worth it in the end. I actually have met people who felt comfortable enough in their community to be able to come out to a few people in the end.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you'll definitely be able to create a new support group while in Peace Corps. The other volunteers will also have various things about themselves they're hiding. Others will be gay. Some women, straight and gay alike, will pretend they're in serious relationships to deter men from getting to aggressive. Some will have to hide their religious beliefs (or lack thereof). So you'll definitely have friends who are going through the same shit you are. They just might be in a slightly different closet, that's all.
Thanks! Both of your posts were very helpful :) I appreciate the insight and that others will be experiencing the same thing and that it is still important to acknowledge my feelings and process through them.
ReplyDelete